Fatigue

This is how I would sum up the last 2 months. I recently had covid again, which has made me feel even lower in the amount of energy I have.

That feeling of it being too painful to move, and when you do it’s exhausting because of pain you feel, was overwhelming for me today. On the one hand I have guilt about all the things I could be doing, in the other I need to preserve energy for the things coming up I need to get done.

My job entails fighting fires for everyone and I enjoy it immensely, but I need recovery time between days I’m at work and it’s getting harder to work two days in a row let alone three. Then rather miraculously in a mentoring session it became clear that I too am a priority.

Maybe I need to cut me some slack. I can’t be everything to everyone while they take me for granted and not recognise that I too need support. After all, I’m no use to anyone else, particularly me if I don’t support myself after a 10 hour working day.

Maybe it’s not as obvious as I think it is to support me. Maybe it needs spelling out that what others need, someone to listen, is exactly what I need too. However, the illogical view is the more I give the less I need.

With a lack of this support and various events this week I feel invisible. Like a non-entity. Just a well of never ending being there, and never thought of as a priority or should that be person? It’s like I’m a machine that is switched on and utilised for the whole family as needed.

Well, it’s time to prioritise me and that’s why I am reducing down the things and people who drain me. No more consulting out of hours for free when I’m too tired to move or it’s my time off. I wouldn’t seek out paid employment in addition to what I do, let alone be expected to do it for free as required. No more going over the same ground time and time again when people won’t change how they handle things and fight their own battles.

It’s time I diverted energy solely to me. After all it’s what others do, particularly on the rare occasions I call on them for support. I don’t have the luxury of endless time to think about me, my needs and wants and my grievances (thank all that is sacred). The time I give to thinking of others is enriching and healthy and puts what I think I want or need into a bigger context. After all, knowing there are others worse off and having to see it are two different things.

I felt a gamut of emotions this week. Used, ignored, devalued, tired, wrung dry, job satisfaction, fulfilment and familiarity. Time to dig deep; keep up my established yoga classes 3-4 times a week, continue my meditation and breathing classes, keep to my massage schedule post having covid, dictate hours at work that give me recovery time, keep clearing mentally and physically, standing up for myself and interview for the new job I was offered, whilst I explore other alternatives for my move back to my hometown.

I delegated finding a job to a recruitment agency, which was a great move. I’m proud of the changes I’m making as opposed to knowing I need to make changes and not doing it. I feel sad that I have been disposed of by people I know because I am moving so no longer in their orbit even in this digital age, but it’s time to find different more giving, compatible and compassionate energies.

I need to accept the old adage of you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. People will be who they always have been, particularly when they cannot see who they are to make changes. Some don’t seem to hear the things they disagree with. I’m moving away from those less self-aware, those who put all their issues on those around them rather than look at how they contribute and create their own issues. This was something brutal I learned 10 years ago in group psychodynamic therapy, where my own behaviour was constructively reflected back to me so I became more self-aware.

It’s virtually impossible to have an objective view of yourself without unaltered feedback that you take seriously. I’ve been a target of looting by those financially and emotionally mercenary. I’m not a resource to be mercilessly used by all and sundry. Even machines need maintenance.

Farewell.