I am a people pleaser. Bottomline. I live for validation from those around me. Due to daddy issues, I feel like I have to be super-obedient and exact to be accepted. This can be a good thing when it comes to getting stuff done. However, the validation I hope to receive doesn’t fill the void within. The void is a dark space where bliss should be. I’m seeking my bliss in others, guided by ego when in truth I should be seeking what’s within.
My problems started years ago in my formative years, when I worked hard to receive validation. Sometimes that work wasn’t perfect or I made errors, which every human is allowed to do but not me, according to my ego. Ego is at the root of so many of our internal conflicts. Stigma, failure, insecurity, paranoia and shame are not real. These are constructs the mind puts in place to keep us on the hamster wheel of seeking something outside when all we need is within.
Recently I reached out for help, I felt shame and pain in doing so. I still feel deep shame and pain. Like I don’t deserve assistance. I have provided assistance in the past but somehow I’m not opening myself up to receiving it. Maybe all roads lead back to me. Maybe I need to find this assistance within. Or maybe I’m seeking it in the wrong places.