Most of the time I manage to maintain a sort of equilibrium, but occasionally I slip into a darkness akin to what it would feel like if the dementors in Harry Potter were real. In fact, the depression I am currently suffering from is real. It takes a lot of insight and self-awareness to realise a low mood, flat effect and compulsive pessimistic thoughts are not quite a facile lifestyle choice.
I am lucky to have an excellent sounding board in a therapy group I deeply care for, but when in session I focus on others and pragmatic problem-solving rather than expressing what I feel. Circling emotions is easier than expressing them. It’s a fear of being ashamed of showing my true emotions that hold me back. I know I would tell anyone else that they have nothing to be ashamed of when expressing how they feel in a depressive episode, but convincing myself is harder.
It’s been a long time since I found myself feeling this low and I frightened myself this morning when I woke to utter the words, “I want to die.” I have no reason to feel this way. I am well supported, feel pleasure from doing many things as hobbies, I have the freedom to choose to do anything I wish, but alas that voice in my head tells me I’m not a doo-er. My reading has slowed since my mental health began to deteriorate early this year. For the first time I find myself behind three books in my Goodreads Reading Challenge. It’s taken me weeks to write a suitable blog post about the truth of my mood.
When in therapy there’s a special type of shame that comes with failing to remain optimistic. It’s seriously like I’m failing a course, but I cannot deny how I feel and I no longer have the energy to push it to one side. I’m circulating a crisis, but I’m not being furtive about it. If I was having an acute asthma attack it wouldn’t carry the shame I’m burdened with for having an acute depressive episode, and why not? Administering drugs to ease someone’s airways is heroic as opposed to acknowledging the darkness in their thoughts, which at best is indulging narcissism at worst aiding laziness, if you ignorantly believe anyone would want to feel this way.
I’ve been open and communicated my concerns about myself, now I have to rely on that old adage of time and the new mindfulness based cognitive behavioural techniques I have read and championed. Not so easy when I feel I’m being smothered in a lead curtain of impending doom.I’m tired of being me and no amount of reminding myself how lucky I am, the miracle that is life is so rare and precious, can convince me I have a purpose.
This too shall pass, they tell me. Eventually.
Ajoobacats Blog 
These feelings must be very hard to endure. I hope they will indeed pass before long. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Thank you for reading. Now that I have brought my low mood out into the open I am being pulled into the vortex of keeping busy. I’m not sure this is therapeutic, but it’s taking up a lot of energy.
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I understand all you go through. Yesterday I described my pure-o like walking around with a hornet’s nest on my head, in the dark and never knowing where the next stinging thought is going to come from. In my experience, talking with others does help, so I hope blogging and your groups helps you. Sending a hug from a stranger.
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Thank you, talking does help, it’s just hard to do when you really need it, but I’m doing my best. Thanks for reading.
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Depression is an evil monster that way. It makes us feel all these awful emotions and then makes us feel guilty for them. Its a double kick to the pants. As you said, this will pass, even though it may not feel that way right now. You’re doing the right thing by talking to people about it. Thanks for sharing your experience and letting others know that they aren’t alone! By the way, have you read Furiously Happy? You may relate and get a much needed laugh!
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Thank you, I’ve not read Furiously Happy, but I will check it out.
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I really want to give you a big hug but I’m not sure if hugs are your thing – so if they are, take this virtual one from me. ❤
I have felt very similarly in the past few weeks. I think sometimes when depression comes back it's hard not to blame ourselves. The rest of the world might think depression recurs when a person isn't trying hard enough, but it's like you said: no one actually wants to feel this way. It's hard to not feel like you've failed yourself. I've been struggling with that as well. I've also struggled with not feeling able to speak the truth about how I feel, even to the people who love me the most.
I don't know if this will help or not, but this is something I've been doing in my daily journal lately that's helped: every day, I write down one thing I'm grateful for (big or small) and one moment where I did something nice for myself (again, it can be something tiny like eating your favorite food or taking a bath). It seems like a small thing, but it's really helped me to get outside my negative thoughts that seem to be so overwhelming.
But mostly, don't beat yourself up for feeling shitty. It happens to so many of us, and as you pointed out, we don't talk about it so we don't realize how many other people feel this way. Thank you so much for sharing, and I wish all the good things for you in the future. I know we don't really know each other, but I believe in you.
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Thank you, I accept your hug and send you one back. It’s hard to convince myself that I’m not doing something wrong and hence feeling the depression as a punishment. I’ve always felt better and less alone blogging about it and perhaps I need to do it more.
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Breaking the silence and writing about it always makes me feel slightly better. Plus it’s nice to realize you’re not alone in what you’re feeling.
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True, it’s also helpful to reflect on my feelings through my post and when I reach other people it makes things a little easier.
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Sorry to hear your going through such a tough time, I find it often sneaks up on you when you’re least expecting it for maximum impact! Stay strong ❤
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Thank you, you’re so right, taking feeling well for granted always ends in a surprise exacerbation. I wish I paid more attention to stop myself feeling this way.
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I think that if you’re used to being the strong one, it’s especially difficult to say, “I’m depressed” or “I’m tired” or “I messed up.” So congratulations on being brave. I’m trying to get better at it. It’s always humbling to strive and not reach our goals, but the books will be waiting for you when you’re ready for them. Virtual hugs from me, too.
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Thank you, I’m always a work in progress, so am trying hard not to be too harsh on myself.
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I have been suffering myself for 18 months, I hope you find the strength to fight through it
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Thank you, some days are better than others.
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Thank you for being brave enough to share even when you are feeling so awful. Every time one of us shares our struggles it takes a little bit of the shame and isolation away. I hope that this cycle passes sooner than later. Hang in there, it will be worth it… eventually.
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Thank you, it has been a hell of a time to lose my optimism, but I’m still hanging in there. Life goes on no matter how ill-equipped we feel we are to handle it and I’m grateful for all the perspectives and support I get from this blog.
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Hi Babus,
My name is Anuj Agarwal. I’m Founder of Feedspot.
I would like to personally congratulate you as your Ajoobacats Blog has been selected by our panelist as one of the Top 50 OCD Blogs on the web.
http://blog.feedspot.com/ocd_blogs/
I personally give you a high-five and want to thank you for your contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 50 OCD Blogs on the internet and I’m honored to have you as part of this!
Also, you have the honor of displaying the badge on your blog.
Best,
Anuj
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