After the warm festivities of Christmas and New Year, I often find myself experiencing a bleak void in January. The weather is grey and dismal. It’s cold and wet and extremely easy to follow thoughts that make you feel ultimately bereft.

Procrastinating over stuff that happened more twenty years ago is pointless, but something I actively need to guard against. Unfortunately, due to bad timing I’m also reading a hard hitting novel, which is giving me nightmares. 

Every problem seems momentous and I feel easily tired and have a banging headache. The tiredness in my case could be attributed to a dozen things affecting my health., but this would just be pedantic. I have had to spend a lot of time alone and I’m sure this has had an adverse effect on my mood. 

My sleep is erratic and sporadic and I have uncharacteristically stopped using my CPAP. I just don’t have the energy to do the maintenance etc.

Imminent is my appointment with the heart/lung transplant assessment clinic. In fact when this post is published I will be a few hours away from sitting in the outpatient area for transplant assessment. 

I’m not sure how I feel about needing a referral to such a department. No one expects to need another organ and is it such a big deal in this day and age? 

My questions could be rendered null and void tomorrow after numerous tests I really don’t want and an answer I have no idea how to anticipate. I feel the appointment will be a weighing up of my worth, in general, as a human being. 

It’s odd to feel depressed and dejected knowing exactly why and seeing a pattern in your moods but being detached and watching yourself endure it as an indifferent observer.