Destroying Cynicism #mentalhealth #marriage

I often think how much bleaker life would be if the husband and wife team we make up didn’t exist. At my lowest point, during my most self-destructive storm, my husband is patient, sincere and constant. I am shielded by him a lot of the time, but I learn a lot from him too. I really have no idea where he gets so much strength, but I’m so grateful for the support I take for granted, if I don’t stop and think. I realise cynicism is poison and instead I’m grateful for all the little things that make me happy. I am grateful I can say I’m happy.

We met around this time 15 years ago. Time has passed in a blink of an eye. I am fortunate to have married my best friend. Cliché, but true. We were friends first and then we married seven months after meeting. I trusted him with my life right from the beginning. Before I fall into murky waters by acting in a way that does not reflect who I am genuinely and the poison gets into my veins, he reminds me by example how to be forgiving.

I may lose confidence in myself, my friends, my abilities and my health but I never lose confidence in my marriage. We face everything together. Keeping myself optimistic and functional is heavy lifting hard work. I am lucky to have a tower of strength, whom I look up to (literally and figuratively) and is there for me always. I rely on myself or my husband for most, if not all, of the emotional support I need.

Looking back we have been through a lot together, but this year is the best year yet. I say that almost every year. My husband helped me changed my priorities after I became unwell. This was hard work because I knew no other way other than my destructive one. I was prickly, critical and ungrateful, but he showed me what’s truly important. I can totally rely on him at all times, but more importantly now I can rely on myself too not to go spiralling out of control with rage or depression. Even if we have argued about something it never changes the fundamentals between us.

I’m not sure who I would be without him or if I would even be here. My life would have shortened dramatically, I think. It would be a deep chasm of despair to be without him. I didnt marry until I was 28, being single was my default before we married. I know what it feels like to be emotionally and physically drained without any help and I am immensely grateful I always have someone who will be there for me emotionally and physically. 

Coming home to a dark empty room or flat was my norm, accepting help and being honest with myself was hard. I was taught to value myself by my husband, he shared the mental workout I constantly have to do to be happy. He’s seen me at my worst and my best and still wants to be here. Having one person in my life to whom I can bare my soul and still find love and acceptance is the most valuble gift I will ever have. Its a gift I get all year round and for that I’m truly grateful.