Many of us are prone to over thinking stuff, which leads to self-criticism and self-loathing in those of us with self-awareness and a sense of blaming others in those without it. Recently, I know I am over thinking stuff and to counteract that I have tried to be in the now by trying new experiences, which has not been easy, but has been beneficial overall.

From high teas in sophisticated dining establishments to browsing books, I have tried to put my mind at rest and focus on the here and now, which has had a reasonably good effect on my mood, but has drained energy levels significantly. Just when I thought I was feeling better, I was told I had a noticeable drop in my blood haemoglobin. I usually don’t worry about being anaemic unless I drop into single figures in my haemoglobin levels, so couldn’t ignore the results this time. I have felt tired lately but put it down to the expected affects of chronic illness and nothing out of the mundane ordinary.

There’s no obvious cause for being anaemic as far as I can see and things seem to be the same as always from my point of view. It’s a source of frustration for me that I don’t get to see my haematology report myself to check mean cell volume etc, which would give me a clue as to the type of anaemia I have so I can try to decipher what’s going on with me, but maybe that’s a blessing as I would be back to overanalysing stuff and I have learnt that figuring such things out is not my job anymore.

As much as I appreciate the care I get from various departments of the NHS, I couldn’t help feel a little frustration with the pulmonary hypertension team when my practice nurse pointed out that the bloods that indicated I was anaemic were drawn on 8th July and it’s taken almost a month for whoever should be dealing with the results to contact me and when I (over)think about it, there was no plan when I was informed, I took it upon myself to have the test repeated. I see the same nurse to have my bloods drawn every month and couldn’t explain away the delay or the find a reasonable explanation from my point of view as to why I should be anaemic now.

The Pulmonary Vascular Diseases Unit seems so far away in space and time when something like this crops up and time seems to slow,as I run through all the worst case scenarios spawned by various risk factors, including a florid family history of diabetic complications. No doubt, the probability is that there really isn’t anything serious going on, but in all honesty the probability of being diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension was incredibly insignificant, so I no longer trust in low odds.

Is it overanalysing when there could be a significant underlying cause for something? Has my recent reduced reading speed been a symptom of the anaemia I now have? Would it have been easier on me if I wasn’t told I was anaemic? Am I over thinking this again? All I really want is to find my reading mojo, which has been absent for the past month.

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