Recently, I was put in a situation, in real life not online, where I felt strongly about an issue. I logically put my point of view across, but found that rather than gaining any support or interaction within the gathering I was in, I seemed to be pushing away everyone else by what I think is, my diatribe of injustices.
I started off feeling angry and righteous and ended up feeling isolated, alone and an outcast. To me it seemed what I said no longer mattered but my passion behind it was intimidating and polarising. It seemed to me my level of indignation alienated most of the room.
I think my OCD was in overdrive in that I left no space for others to interject and give their point of view. I think I get tunnel vision when I’m arguing an issue not leaving any room to consider a different point of view.
My opinions and expectations are too idealistic to be practical and so to protect myself I withdraw into a self-imposed prison where I control what can come in as I don’t want to feel alone, always in the wrong and the one no one can like.
Ultimately I feel that there’s something terribly wrong with me and I am an error that should be erased. It’s not a long leap from my feelings of hopelessness to trying to feel anything, having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself and planning ways to remove my existence once and for all. Since the event I have felt depressed.
I absolutely loathe feeling any self-pity, it has no practical purpose and is a waste of emotional energy. I don’t cry, I haven’t cried for months now. Feeling a huge burden of emotion recently, I tried to make myself cry to relieve my emotions but had no luck. Maybe I’m dead inside?
All this over a single idea or point of view in an issue, which leaves me believing I’m not fit to be in any society and what is wrong with me? Why do I get so consumed by my opinions? Why do I repel everyone but my husband?