Is It Just Me?

Recently, I was put in a situation, in real life not online, where I felt strongly about an issue. I logically put my point of view across, but found that rather than gaining any support or interaction within the gathering I was in, I seemed to be pushing away everyone else by what I think is, my diatribe of injustices.

I started off feeling angry and righteous and ended up feeling isolated, alone and an outcast. To me it seemed what I said no longer mattered but my passion behind it was intimidating and polarising. It seemed to me my level of indignation alienated most of the room.

I think my OCD was in overdrive in that I left no space for others to interject and give their point of view. I think I get tunnel vision when I’m arguing an issue not leaving any room to consider a different point of view.

My opinions and expectations are too idealistic to be practical and so to protect myself I withdraw into a self-imposed prison where I control what can come in as I don’t want to feel alone, always in the wrong and the one no one can like.

Ultimately I feel that there’s something terribly wrong with me and I am an error that should be erased. It’s not a long leap from my feelings of hopelessness to trying to feel anything, having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself and planning ways to remove my existence once and for all. Since the event I have felt depressed.

I absolutely loathe feeling any self-pity, it has no practical purpose and is a waste of emotional energy. I don’t cry, I haven’t cried for months now. Feeling a huge burden of emotion recently, I tried to make myself cry to relieve my emotions but had no luck. Maybe I’m dead inside?

All this over a single idea or point of view in an issue, which leaves me believing I’m not fit to be in any society and what is wrong with me? Why do I get so consumed by my opinions? Why do I repel everyone but my husband?

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31 thoughts on “Is It Just Me?

    • I think I’m too black and white in my thinking, whereas life is a series of greys. I hate that my thinking and logical conclusions make me feel like a social pariah and in order to avoid feeling the pariah, I am contemplating not having an opinion and not allowing the passion within me, which is obviously unpalatable, to surface.

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      • That is my life right there. I don’t think people realize how painful it is to live like that, seeing things black and white and feeling so strongly about them. For me it is a daily struggle, expressing myself in a way that will not offend others. More often than not I just stand on my own. I guess I just don’t play well with people and I believe I never will, it will always be a struggle.
        So yes, I know all about those dark places. Try and find something you enjoy to get past it, don’t let it overwhelm you.
        Hope you feel better soon!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. I think I’m entering a new phase of self-reflection, they say we never stop learning so I guess these are my lessons on how to live with my black and white thoughts in a mostly grey world.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes,that is definitely the healthiest way to look at it, live and learn. Some lessons are harder than others but hopefully all will be worth it in the end!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Babus,
    I’m not sure what the situation was that you refer to so I might be wide off the mark here, but don’t forget that a lot of people aren’t outspoken and are often wary of ‘rocking the boat’. In any group situation there are often dynamics taking place. There could be stronger characters that people don’t necessarily agree with, but they’re cautious about standing up to them. It could well be that others agreed with your point of view but were too timid to back you up.
    It might also be that you’ve got underlying reasons for feeling so passionate about certain issues. If people aren’t aware of those reasons then they perhaps won’t understand where you’re coming from.
    I also had a situation recently where someone tried to criticise my work. What annoyed me was the fact that he hadn’t even read any of my books but he decided straightaway that they couldn’t possibly be any good, and he felt he knew much more about the subject matter than I did. He then decided to tell me what I was doing wrong and what I should be doing even though he isn’t involved in the writing industry and hadn’t read any of my books.
    Because I’m going through a lot of personal turmoil at the moment, I didn’t react very well. Normally, I would have just shrugged it off, as my brother remarked to me afterwards.
    So, you’re not alone. We all have off days but you’ve learnt from the experience. Try not to dwell on the negative aspects but instead focus on how you would do things differently next time. It sometimes helps to write down the negative thoughts then counter them with positive thoughts. You’ve obviously got a lot of good qualities, which your husband (and others, I’m sure) see in you so focus on them.
    Also, the people who you were with have probably forgotten the incident already.
    I hope I’ve helped. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Heather, you’ve definitely brought up a lot of points that resonate with me and you’re right I do have unresolved issues with situations in the past which are fuelling my ire. I can’t help but feel that shrugging the issue off, is somehow being untrue to myself. However, I think being likeable and being me might be mutually exclusive. I do like your idea of writing down negative thoughts and will be doing this until I meet everyone again, hopefully bringing a less intense voice to the group.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know what you mean. It’s important to be true to yourself but I don’t think that necessarily makes you not likeable. I like your idea of sticking to your opinions but perhaps being less emphatic, and I hope things go better for you next time you meet the group.

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      • Thank you, there’s usually a calm after most storms at this thing, I don’t want to stick to bad habits and give up altogether so will try a more mellow gear next time.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Life is rather too short to deal with such people – I know mine is – and unless you are a social worker, why should you. Many people I know don’t exactly fit into their social groups with any comfort. As a writer, I find that most of my so called contemporaries, don’t even read books, just magazines – Hello and The Autotrader – and as a consequence – and by definition – do not know what they are on about. Even well known critics are like this – food, literature, or music critics – who haven’y got a taste bud, or a bookshelf between them and are probably tone deaf into the bargain.But, it doesn’t stop them from having opinions about – well – anything really, claiming some basic human right. In the end, their problem is their ability to judge but not to do. And, as you say, there might be a hidden agenda, a complex or even an illness which makes some people a tad vitriolic. But all of this can be covered up with a little humor – or so I believe – and to have ones own opinions, is a must, and an ability to analyze and debate is the stuff of democracy as well as life.

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  2. Hi – i dont know anything about your situation, but maybe if you’re studying or just anyway – you could take part in a debating society, than you probably are with like minded people and also, get comfortable with ebb/flow of putting your views across.

    im sure everyone and everyone above and below this comment have at times felt strongly about something, which left people around you awed into silence – perhaps its just about harnessing your emotions until you have judged how the people around you will respond.

    Its just life and feeling our way – nothing wrond with that

    Fell proud that you have strong feelings but just harness them a little

    Liked by 1 person

    • It would be interesting or fantastically explosive to be in the company of other argumentative people. I just celebrated my 42nd birthday so I’m not in education currently. I’m beginning to think I read the room wrong but unless I’m totally lacking insight in social interactions I was invited to share my point of view. However, I think you definitely have a good point about harnessing my emotions.

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  3. I’m an introvert by nature. I find in most things all I need is my wife. I build my life around my family. Friends earn the position, but are welcome additions. I don’t require a large circle of friends, and am happier that way.

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    • My life is about my husband and cats, but I have always been led to believe limited friends are my handicap. It’s odd as I have my husband who totally gets me, we don’t fall out much and have no serious contentious issues between us but I feel socially inadequate because I don’t have close female friends.

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  4. Please don’t worry. There’s nothing wrong with having strong opinions. That is how much needed change can be achieved. Maybe if you try and take in a few tempering, safe phrases in with you next time you might feel safer and that the encounter is more under your control? It is horrible feeling anxious and as if an electrical storm is waging in your head but the calm always comes and with it a more normal perspective on what transpired. It is never as bad a you think and most thing you can tiptoe back from. Your husband knows and loves the real you. Allow others to see her too. Be kind to yourself. Life is a work in progress and both good and bad experiences help us to evolve into the best version of ourselves that we can be. Take care and I do hope you feel better soon. x

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    • Thank you for helping me salvage some positives from my experience and current feelings. I think you’re right in that I need to pause and regroup rather than escalate my emotions when discussing an issue.

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  5. So what if you overdid it? Certainly no need to beat yourself up. The episode will certainly have stuck in your mind much more strongly than it will in anybody else’s. When I find I’m getting overly passionate on a topic I do try and make myself breathe and ask ‘what does everybody else think?’ But I don’t always remember. And, the next week, nobody seems to remember – or mind – that I went off on one.

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    • I have been annoyed with myself for, what appears to be, needing approval from others. I don’t want to be a bully or a brute and I am wondering if my need for finding others who agree in a group is an issue I need to take more note of.

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  6. You took a brave and sensible step by writing about your experience. “Take that rage. Put it on the page.” (The Script) You may not have been able to cry, but writing is also an emotional release and it doesn’t make your eyes all puffy and your nose all red. Unlike talking, you can look at your words, think about them, edit and change them. It always makes me feel clearer and more hopeful. I hope it does the same for you.

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  7. Hi – I’ve found that lots of people (all of us, until we learn?) don’t know how to have a spirited conversation. There’s an art to it. There’s a give and take. There’s an acknowledgment of the feelings and thoughts of others, whilst getting a chance to air our own thoughts and feelings. It can be a wonderful experience to be able to have a kind of Socratic discussion, disagree respectfully and intelligently … and everyone come away with deeper understanding of an issue. But I’ve found this to be rare. It takes practice and it takes a willingness on all parts to accept others while we’re learning, while also holding each other to a standard of respectful disagreement (and yet we’re all going to mess up at times). Yes, anger can be an aggressive and hurtful tool when directed toward others. It’s no fun to be in a room with that. When controlled, it can just propel our thinking about important issues. It’s kind of cool to me that you’re introspective enough to realize some of what you write here. So you can go back informed the next time. But I’ve experienced the flip side of introspection can be those crap thoughts. Those are important to just reject, I feel. One way is to steer our thinking towards others, rather than ourselves. What can I do for others? Perhaps you might want to volunteer somewhere that suits your interests and abilities, and that might be a way to meet people and an outlet? Even though I’ve felt nervous and doubtful several times before going, I’ve never come away from a children’s volunteer reading tutoring job that I signed up for, not feeling better about the world, myself and my place in it. It’s a valuable connection I guess, and is something (I love books) that I feel passionately about and enjoy. Best to you.

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    • Thank you and you certainly are right that there is almost an art to having a spirited discussion. I went back to the same gathering today and put my hand up to what I felt I did badly last week and it was a hard meeting to go to, but I did it! I feel better, closer to the other members and we had a much better discussion this week with all the passion but minus the negativity and uncomfortable feeling that I know I generated last week. I have just started looking at volunteer work and have something in the pipeline. I’m not sure what I will enjoy most yet but am keeping an open mind and facing it with positivity as well as the fear of doing something new.

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  8. For one thing it’s so commendable that you humbly and honestly acknowledged your reaction to the situation. That’s an excellent quality in itself. When we are passionate about something we want to shout it from the roof tops, but as wise King Solomon said “there’s a time to keep quiet and a time to speak.” Maybe it just wasn’t the forum for you to express your feelings so strongly. Sometimes people just don’t get us, that’s why we have a strong tendency to isolate ourselves or stay within our comfort zone to begin with. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT!! Hey, nobody’s perfect, and most of us, including myself, have probably said things that we possibly wish we could take back. Not because it was wrong, but because it may not have been the proper time or place for it. In these times we’re living in where “good is bad and bad is good”, I think we will be prone to have strong feelings about things that will make others scratch their heads and wonder at us. I don’t know what you said, but since you seem to be a very reasonable person, I’m guessing that it probably made good sense. And you know something? I think book people tend to be a bit passionate about things in general whether we openly express what we’re thinking or not, and I think that’s pretty cool. So….cheer up. Life goes on and don’t waste precious moments fretting about something that probably won’t be much remembered in the future anyway. ( :

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