Contrary to popular belief Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not just about hand washing and house cleaning. It’s much, much more. Imagine every decision, no matter how small, being second guessed. For years I thought of this trait as a lack of confidence or indecision, but it’s not. It’s about attaining a perfection that morbidly does not exist.
It wears me out mentally to keep going over what I said and what I did, superimposing thoughts of what I should have said or done, yet my mind won’t leave it alone, except to show me other situations of where I was yet again imperfect. It never goes away, it doesn’t stop and it rarely lets me sleep. Even in my dreams the imperfections and negativity haunts me.
Every action or reaction I have is skewed in a negative way and where possible my perception is manipulated, by me ironically, to reinforce my negative self-image and thoughts about myself. Basically, it’s like living with person who hates you the most, the one who wishes you were never born and you didn’t exist. Nothing hurts more consistently everyday. What would you do escape?