I Feel Fine, I Think

Contrary to popular belief Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not just about hand washing and house cleaning. It’s much, much more. Imagine every decision, no matter how small, being second guessed. For years I thought of this trait as a lack of confidence or indecision, but it’s not. It’s about attaining a perfection that morbidly does not exist.

It wears me out mentally to keep going over what I said and what I did, superimposing thoughts of what I should have said or done, yet my mind won’t leave it alone, except to show me other situations of where I was yet again imperfect. It never goes away, it doesn’t stop and it rarely lets me sleep. Even in my dreams the imperfections and negativity haunts me.

Every action or reaction I have is skewed in a negative way and where possible my perception is manipulated, by me ironically, to reinforce my negative self-image and thoughts about myself. Basically, it’s like living with person who hates you the most, the one who wishes you were never born and you didn’t exist. Nothing hurts more consistently everyday. What would you do escape?

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41 thoughts on “I Feel Fine, I Think

  1. Living with this level of anxiety must be a nightmare Babus and I feel for you. I only wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away but as I can’t what I will say is that I think that you are terrific and I want you to believe in yourself. Hugs x

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    • Thank you, Georgia. If there’s one life lesson I’ve learnt, it’s that I need to make the anxiety go away. The onus is on me. There are good spells and bad spells and hurdles that seem insurmountable at times but I’m grateful for all the support and positivity (and great books) that are sent my way. x

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  2. I can only imagine how hard it is to manage it every day. I wish they were words I could say or a cure to relieve you at once. It takes an awful lot of courage to wake up in the morning and face it, so I admire you.

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  3. Hey Chic, I never imagined that it was like that. But never believe that voice that tried to knock you down. I believe that you are making some great progress and yes books are such a fantastic escape. Wish there was more to do to support you more. just keep believing in yourself and keep pushing. I just admire your ability to talk about it and address it openly. That I can tell is half the battle already won…..

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  4. We have more than mystery and crime novels in common it seems. I have crippling OCD and really can empathise with how it feels. I can’t say I know how you feel because nobody does. But I know how it rules my life so here are some (((hugs))). Should you ever need an ear, all you have to do is call.x

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  5. I don’t pretend to understand what you’re going through – it must be so tough but I ditto what others have said. You have a lot to be very proud of & your blog is fantastic. I occasionally suffer with anxiety and have found that mindfulness (particularly meditation) has really helped, especially the ‘Loving Kindness’ meditations which can make you more compassionate towards yourself. I struggle with this too..

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  6. Wow. Thank you for sharing this. I don;t have OCD but I do have anxiety. I take medication and i have found it helps a lot. I hate depending on drugs and part of me wonders if it could be a placebo effect but I find comfort in it and people have told they have notice a change particularly when it came to performance anxiety and panic attacks. I can relate to the self loathing hating part. I was like that for most of my life and thankfully have improved greatly. I hope you find some comfort in sharing your feelings and knowing that you are not alone.

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    • Thank you, I have been on medication for a decade and I’m definitely better on it than off it, but I take it in addition to therapy, which really helps too. Looking back on the last twelve months I’m definitely better, I drive myself and on balance am more relaxed than I ever have been. I know I need to get out more and I need to find the courage to join a local book club. It definitely is so empowering to find others fighting similar battles, isolation just makes it all worse.

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      • Yes, people say “why are you so obsessed with it, let it go” Sometimes it dampens my spirit, sometimes I know where I went wrong and make sure I won’t do something like that again. 🙂

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      • I know no matter what I say I will obsess over it, so I try hard not to start going down that route. It’s a waste of energy, but it’s taken me years to realise this and find ways to not start over analysing and there are times when I can’t stop it.

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  7. Pingback: A very similar case to share. Lovely post. – Two By Mouth

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