It’s hard to believe that I ever went to University, where I lived away from home for 5 years, lived alone for 3 and a half years after I graduated while I was single and working. I worked for 4 years after I was married. During that time I suffered from anxiety which was debilitating but now I cannot leave my home on my own. I wish I had sought help years earlier but hindsight is always 20/20.
I suffer from anxiety and nausea at the thought of going anywhere without my husband. I only feel safe in my home. Even leaving my home to go into my garden by myself is difficult for me as I am anxious about being seen by neighbours who can look into our garden. I cannot do the shopping by myself, in fact my husband does it most of the time alone and I go with him if I feel like I can face the anxiety of being around people in a supermarket or shop.
I cannot bear the thought of anyone being in our home other than my husband and myself. I feel my skin crawling and icicles up my back at the thought of strangers or anyone else entering our home. It’s nothing against them but I don’t want to expose them to my environment. Also it’s the only safe place I have and I don’t want my sense of security altered by others.
When I go to the hairdresser, hospital, dentist, GP or spa my husband comes with me leaves me at the salon and then comes back to get me when I have finished there. I have been like this for 8 years now. I have tried a few times to go out on my own but it has resulted in anxiety attacks leaving me feeling so ill that I don’t want to move let alone leave my home for days.
I find being like this frustrating. As much as I love my husband and know he is supportive, I want to find my self-confidence and self-worth again. My independence has been eroded away by anxiety. Although I can do whatever I want to do, I cannot do it alone, I have to have my husband with me. Without him I fear I will panic and not cope.
I recognise the issues I have and anxiety plays a huge part in my problems of functioning alone in society, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is also a label I have acquired for my condition. I hope with the therapy I am currently undertaking to gain more independence and do things by myself outside my home but from where I stand now it’s a steep hill to climb.