I’m going through a rough time. I feel down and I feel pessimistic, but what’s new? Well, I feel alone and I feel like a burden on my poor long-suffering husband who hardly ever complains, about me anyway. They tell me I have good reason to feel down, what with my health issues and their wider implications. I appreciate I need psychological input and no medications are the answer to my brand of illness.
I yearn for the days of feeling safe, content and being able to talk to my Mum. However, none of those things seem possible and I’ve kept my husband up late enough telling him how I feel. When they were handing out the survival manual for life they ran out when they got to me and I had an extra helping of fear instead. Not to mention endometriosis, pulmonary hypertension, diabetes, asthma and an over active bladder.
You see, I know life isn’t the problem, the problem lies within me. Other people seem to cope just fine, they seem to get on with people and things and take things as they come in their stride but I don’t seem to have the skills to do the same. So it is I who is lacking. I understand I am difficult. It’s taken me a long time to realise this or life has finally eroded away any remnants of self-esteem I had left. I’m not really the one who can reliably differentiate which of the two is more accurate, but I can say either way, being this way and feeling this way really sucks.
They tell me I will get better and this is transient, life won’t always seem as hard as it is now and that I am no more evil than the next person and I have a right to make as many mistakes as the next person. They tell me I seem brighter and I’ve made lots of positive changes but a well of negativity still fills inside me. At this point in my life if I could take back everything I have ever done in my life, intentionally or unintentionally, to hurt, hinder or in any way inconvenience anyone else I would. I would rather I wasn’t here to get in the way of others but we don’t get to make that choice once we are here.
When Ellen Degeneres came out back in the ’90s (bear with me, this ectopic subject has a point and I will try and reach it as succinctly as possible), Madonna sent her a letter in which she said something along the lines of we each have a part to play in life a role and purpose and if we don’t do the things we feel we must then that phenomenon never happens and the lack of that interaction impacts on the universe. I hope in the bigger picture of things that’s true and I hope I have things to do that will positively impact the world I live in with everyone else. I have no idea what positive impact I am capable of, particularly as I feel so negative at this time, but I choose to keep the faith and hope I can still contribute something to someone positively no matter how small my contribution.