Black and White again…

I suffer from depression. Not the kind that has you feeling grumpy for a day or two but full on flat affect clinical depression. My low mood and depression got bad enough to be termed Crisis point on Monday. I had to see a number of people and admit how low I was feeling.

I have never had to meet the Home Support Team who deal with crisis before and this was all new to me. Their protocol is to see patients at risk like me everyday. I managed to see someone 3 times in a week. I encountered the doctor who makes clinical decisions for patients who are monitored by the home help team and was less than impressed. Even in my low mood state where I really couldn’t be bothered with anything, his indifference to his patients and indeed his job came across very clearly. He used a laptop computer as a barrier between us as he asked closed questions to assess my low mood. I politely declined his offer to come to the center for activities but he kept pressing the point even facetiously stating I need to come out of my home to treat my OCD. I told him what he had in mind was too much too soon.

The shambles of home help co-ordination saw me dispensed with 7 days worth of Promethazine, lorazepam, pregabalin, zopiclone and fluoxetine. Issuing 2 sets of sleeping tablets is a waste of resources and I didn’t really ask for lorazepam or my regular meds but no one seems to be listening.

I in myself feel colourless and tired. Like I’m drained of all resources. I try to seem upbeat but it doesn’t translate to anything passed reserved, it is so odd to be floating around in a bubble. That’s what this is like a melancholy bubble. I have no energy to make conversation and cannot engage with tv programmes and films. Even when people talk to me I have to listen very carefully or I drift off. I cannot muster enthusiasm for anything, if we won the lottery I would not be jumping and screaming. My mind reminds me of how much sadness there is in the world and I can’t dismiss it.

I have been told my current mood is transient and will pass. I hope so. Being this down is tiring and unpleasant. I have contacted my psychologist to see her soon and hopefully get some more support while I wait for an elusive group therapy date.


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