Christmas Crisis

A year ago I was at the lowest point I had ever been in in my life. Life as I knew it was ending, I had no idea what I had done or why I was finding myself emotionally abandoned. The lay of the land, as I knew it, was over and nothing was ever going to be the same again.

My marriage and all that secured and grounded me was dissolving away. The relationship central to all was ended. The only family I had known for most of a decade was gone. The person closest and dearest who knew me best was no longer interested in knowing me.

There was no logical reason given for it. There was no cause other than, that elusive thing people call, love had turned to hate. What’s still not clear is whether the love my husband had once felt for me had become hate alongside the love he felt for himself.

In time, after a dramatic period of my life, I realised love when it’s uprooted and analysed appears like mismanagement: mismanagement of funds, time, affection, chances. Everything I had done in the name of love and belonging was scrutinised and deemed under par and wanting. My motives demonised, my imperfections were weaknesses and my intent was to loot and defraud.

I was stripped of the right to be me. I was stripped of the right to be myself, I was turned out and criticised. Every bad thing was my fault. I was so depressed and am so depressed I cannot find the words to defend myself. So it has been deemed and so it must all be my fault. Any sense of defence or retaliation has been drained from me. This also a weakness and perhaps my biggest flaw.

But you see, I believed in forever, I believed in being part of a complete. I believed it all. This place I’m in now didn’t exist for me. It’s still a bad dream. However, what would make this nightmare complete would be having to trust that person once again. The person who promised and garnered the trust to break it and turn to indifference.

My life, who I am and how I trust will never be the same again. But I’m working on being this version of myself I never thought I’d meet. I have to love this person because she is all that’s left of the person I was.