There have been two instances this month where I felt I didn’t fit or matter. The first one was early this month where I had bought two tickets to hear someone famous speak and when the talk commenced I felt totally alienated and out of place. It started with the speaker pointing out the talk was for those that looked like her. I definitely do not fall into that category because of my race. I tried to put my misgivings aside and listen and even raised my hand seven times to ask a question, but I was overlooked on every occasion.What I thought would be a thought-provoking evening was a cheap, commercial and a superficial gimmick to move product. I will never look at the speaker the same way again.
Rightly or wrongly I felt I didn’t matter and could not rethink the evening as being vaguely enjoyable. It was constructive in one way only: I got a smashing present to send someone as their nominated Secret Santa. They say you should never meet your heroes and they, whoever they may be, have a fair point. After that evening I will not be actively seeking out works from that particular speaker again and I feel I really must develop a better sense of detecting sincerity from people generally, as my sincerity meter is evidently way off.
I didn’t let my feelings fester into making me feel worthless, which is where they would have headed usually. In the past I took things as my fault due to my misconception of the topic, but in this case I realise my expectations were too high for this mercenary individual to live up to. Noble cause, unworthy messenger.
The second time I felt I just didn’t fit, I was doing it to myself. There was no one facing me telling me I was wrong, it was just a gut feeling. Rather than react to it in any contentious or inflammatory manner, allowing it to escalate to the point it obliterated what is positive, I stopped it. I thought it may resurface, because I’m never sure how effectively my distraction technique works, but I haven’t had a chance to dwell on it much as my social diary filled up and I kept hearing all the sound advice I’ve been given to let moments of insecurity pass. With time it did feel like water under a long forgotten bridge. Next month the incident and individual probably won’t even come to mind.
Now I know I’ve made positive steps to adapt and have grown emotionally as I can let the negativity pass. On reflection I think it’s time to find voluntary work I can physically and mentally manage.