Years ago when I was much younger I often dreamed of having someone who would give me cards, flowers and the whole shebang on Valentines Day. I dreamt I’d be with a romantic who trumped all romantics. So you could say I had very high expectations of a beau.
I met my husband when I was 27 and I remember our very first Valentines Day, he bought me flowers, a card and took me out to dinner, it was very nice. However, if I’m being honest it pales in comparison to every “ordinary” day I have with him now. Everyday my husband shows me love, affection and understanding beyond measure. There hasn’t been a day since we met that he hasn’t made me feel loved and wanted. I think he’s the reason I’m still here, as in brutal honesty, I would have lost the reason to live years ago without him.
I suffer from multiple illnesses including mental illness and despite seeing me at my lowest he doesn’t feel anything other than love for me. He’s never looked at me and thought, “what if?” He stated to me plainly when I have been in pain, defeated, and suicidal that I’m his raison d’être and I believe him. I have never doubted my husband or his feelings for me, nor if I’m very honest have I experienced such unconditional love until I met him. That’s a pretty big deal for me as I am prone to doubt everything and I have caused him much pain in our 11 years together but we belong together. There’s no doubt in my mind after everything we have shared and experienced together that I was ever supposed to be elsewhere.
Despite my many flaws, which he tells me he cannot see, I feel security and love. He tells me he only wishes I could see myself through his eyes and appreciate who I am. You see to me I’m a failed, unemployed, messed up individual who drew short straws on the fertility front but this couldn’t be further than the person my husband sees. He’s never made me feel inadequate in any way. I learnt the true meaning of compassion from my husband. No material thing on this planet comes remotely close to what he gives me each day and I wouldn’t change a thing about him.
One day, with a hell of a lot of therapy I may feel some compassion for myself I hope, heal the damage I live with but in the meantime I’m with the only person on this planet who can give me a reason to be better.
I find this blog almost beyond words, Babs.How lovely. How moving. How perfect. x
Thank you Gail. I think if it needs to be said I may as well say it today.