When she was down she was very, very down…

I live with a number of chronic illnesses and the worst one to deal with from my point of view has to be my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). My other illnesses follow some vestiges of logic, they are grounded in science, but OCD has no logic. I know a statement is cruel, harsh, judgemental and yet I cannot stop letting that statement intruding into my thoughts.

At my worst I cannot sleep, feel very stressed and constantly have compulsive thoughts which are judgemental and depressing. My anxiety spirals and everything feels worse days on without sleep. It’s hard to say what triggers these bouts of extreme stress. It may seem obvious that I am suffering with stress at the moment because of my recent hospital stay and the resulting stress but I didn’t feel very stressed at the time and a week later I am very symptomatic with anxiety.

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Even people close to me can give little comfort at times. If someone twists their ankle you wouldn’t squeeze that ankle deliberately to illicit pain. That would be a cruel act indeed, yet to when dealing with loved ones with anxiety disorders I have witnessed and experienced deliberate exacerbation of the symptoms from a lack of understanding of the problems but also those who do understand the problems and have difficulty dealing with the issues of OCD and GAD in a close friend or relative. After being diagnosed with mental illness I found myself faced with my own prejudices and those of everyone around me. The stigma of being ill in this way is overwhelming at times. No one wants to admit to knowing someone with a mental illness. It lowers their status in society somehow to admit to knowing or being related to someone with psychiatric disease.

What makes my current anxiety worse than any other sort of anxiety I suffered when I was younger is that I feel there is no way of relieving it and escaping the compulsive thoughts but to end my life. I understand the value of life and how sacred it is and I would never think of ending my life lightly. It is a selfish act and arguably one of great cowardice, but the thought plagues me incessantly which is very unpleasant and frightening.

I am lucky I have the support of my husband who is understanding and approachable so I can tell him when I am feeling worse and getting to what the psychiatrists call crisis point. I have access to nurse practitioners and doctors who can help me and they do but I just wish I didn’t have this illogical, disabling and tormenting affliction.

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5 thoughts on “When she was down she was very, very down…

  1. I truly hope that this most recent bout passes quickly Babs. I understand what you say about taking ones own life being a form of cowardice but I’m not sure that is true. It takes great bravery to do that. And I don’t think that it is a case of simply wanting to die… but more a case of not wanting to live any more. It sounds the same but in my experience it isn’t. x

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    • I agree, Jenny. It’s not really a case wanting to die. Sometimes the simplest option just seems not to exist any more. Anthony Robbins has some really interesting things to say on this. It is true that it’s a selfish act, Babus, but somehow that is completely irrelevant in the midst of the anxiety…

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  2. I think you’re very brave to post this, Babus, and it obviously come from deep emotional experience. As the plight of mental illness is becoming more well known I think everyone is touched by it in some way either directly or by a third party. You’re very fortunate to have your husband to understand and support you. One of the biggest battles, I think, can be to find such understanding to help you through the darkest moments. ❤

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  3. I think social isolation features quite widely in people with mental illness as an exacerbation in many cases. I think as a society as a whole we have lost our community feeling in any traditional sense.

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