I have steadily felt my mood and energy levels slipping lower and lower the past couple of weeks. I know it’s partially hormonal, partially the aftershocks of being told I may need a heart and lung transplant, partially getting pain from endometriosis despite another course of mind-numbing menopause and partially to do with the fact I have been told my course of psychological counselling is nearly up and I need referral to see another psychoanalyst for ongoing work. It’s like being told I’m remedial I need to do more work to try and come up to scratch as a human being. Of course I know this isn’t true but my superego is working overtime.
At my worst I think I’m waiting to die at my best I think, how do I put these feelings into words and phrases that can convey what I’m feeling? The important thing is to hold on to the thought that this will pass and as pessimistic as I feel and as hopeless as things look they will seem better in time. There’s absolutely no truth to coping better because I’m a doctor, when in truth being a doctor is partially the reason I feel this way.
So, in summary I feel low and am slipping lower. I feel like I’m a hundred years old: I don’t want to think, move, expend energy for anything unless it is vital. I have taken precautions by alerting my husband to how I am feeling, engaging in more physical exercise, making sure I am sleeping, eating and taking my medications on time, getting adequate daylight, staying the hell away from precipitating factors and knitting. Seriously, the knitting really helps, just wish I was better at it but practice is making improvement.
Speaking to friends and family has been good too and I hope very much to be able to visit my friend this weekend. There are huge barriers to achieving this as I battle depression and OCD to get out the front door and battle panic attacks and anxiety on my way there. Once there I have to try to relax and be mindful. I have fight the harsh judgements my mind makes, push aside thoughts that plague me to make things better but only set me apart and make things difficult.
I’m the first and most frequent to question why I’m like this, why does my life have to be this way? How do I find myself here? I cannot answer that with any conviction. All I can do is hope this passes soon. Everything is black and white with no room for grey areas. I’m not easily cajoled and am the stereotypical neurotic woman if we are using labels. I am also a survivor of many adverse experiences and going to the brink and back again is something I have done before, so bring it on!